Time for these to see light

if only for a while

If only for a while you could see what I feel
If only for a while I could explain what I think
If only for a while you could let me show you my love

If only for a while we could be in love

What would it prove, what would it show. I don’t know. I shouldn’t want to know. But I dream of a chance that I can’t ask for, that I can’t expect, and I don’t.

My heart has agendas that I cannot control with reason, with practical thought

If only for a while I could be happy with what you have given me
If only for a while I could be happy with all I will have from you
If only for a while I could be what you need

If only for a while I could make your life better

…if only for a while…

--Christopher Welker
03.03.05

whatching her

Watching her I see such a special attitude. Into things she loves her emotions are poured, her work is important to her with each phrase, each note there is a push of emotion that makes battles turn. Her passion towards this work is immeasurable; her life is spent on it trying to make it the best that she can.

Her mind is focused and she sees so much more then lines and dots written on a field of white, she sees things in these works that there creators may never have meant to place on sheet. Her whole being can be placed in to these works, when it is she takes pride in the results.

What I would give just to receive a small portion of the emotions, and care put into the pages she turns to life. She may not know how I feel, and she very well might. Sometimes I wish for her to know, other times I hope she will never know. I fear what might happen if she had the knowledge of my emotions.

Her friendship means more then most things currently involved with my life. I would not trade it for anything in the world. I fear that every time I am with her that I will ruin something good in my life, I worry that I might hurt her, I worry I might make her feel that she is less that what she is, which is amazing.

My heart never knows which way is up, in order to figure things out I must hide, hide in something that make my life worth while, that which is also her life’s current desire.

Why must my heart and my mind work opposite each other. I want nothing more then what I have… and yet, her touch makes my heart warm and the darkest time seem light. Her smile, just her face makes me smile though the worst of tears.

I do not know what will happen, nor do I care, I just pray that my life will not be with out her presence in some form.

My greatest friend is convinced we have fallen for each other. He is rarely wrong and I would normally believe him, but this one I see he is wrong, yet only half. I think I have fallen for her, but her feelings are not the same. This means nothing to me since I know she is still a close companion, and I would trade that for nothing, if there is to be more between her and I, I will be grateful for the relationship that is currently there.

though there will never be anything.

Even if she has fallen for me, she can do far better then me. She is talented and beautiful and has some place to go in this life. She can do better then some one who will never be able to fully appreciate what she truly is….

--Christopher Welker
5.31.04


I wish

I love you and I wish I didn’t,
It rips at my soul
I wish I could just be content with what I have been given
I wish I didn’t want to hold you when I look at you
I wish I didn’t want you hand in mine,

I wish you didn’t have to be on you guard around me
I wish you could be who you want to be and not be afraid of how I will act
I wish that I could just let it go

I wish it was easy

-- Christopher Welker
7.9.04

It All Runs Together

As I sit here it all runs together
What hurts
What helps
What works
And what is broken

When I think about it, it all runs together, it all becomes one mess of thought and fog.
I want to remember what it was like to have clarity of thought and no longer have conflict and chaos ruling my mind.

When does the battle end
When do I gain peace again
When do I get to have the control of my thoughts and emotions once more

Why do I only get to question
Why can’t I know

Pain is relative to numbness,

What should I feel
When should I act
When should I see
When should I stop and lay down

Why

--Christopher Welker
04.07.05

When all is said and done

When all is said and done, what are we left with
When all is said and done, what would you want to be left with

When its all over, will it be worth it all to someone
When its all over, will it be worth it all to you
When it’s all over will it be worth it all to someone
When it’s all over will it be worth it all to just one

What would make it said and done, what would make it worth it all. When is the end the end?

Do you ask why
Do you ask when
Do you ask why not

I do
I do
I do

I want to know what this life is for.
I want to know why we are put on this earth if only to struggle.

If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed…. Not really true, I have been set free from sin and death, but I have not been set free of me, of my “demons”

I want to be free
I want to breath with out the weight of the world weighing on my body

I want to love and be loved,
but I fear I never will.

I have loved… and lost…. I do not think it is better… in fact I wish I had not,
now someone will have to pick up the pieces which are me.

Who am I
What am I here to do.
Why am I staring out over a flowing sea of orange.
Why can I not be content

--Christopher Welker
03.30.05

Here I Lie With Fear.

Here I lie with the fear and Darkness washing over me.

The wave has not hit, but still the pre-wave of the Darkness washes over me.

I get up and continue down my path, feet falling one after another not looking where I am going, not looking where I have been, just going on.

What will I face as I trod this road, I do not feel that Frost was right when he say two roads diverge, I think that we just trod down the road, while we make choices that effect how the road will twist and turn, I do not see forks, just a single path.

I run, faster with each step, farther away from the on coming Darkness, yet the faster I go, the further I get, the closer it comes,

Will it over take me, will it be the end of this path I am on, or will it only help wash out what is past and make it easier to continue on towards the future.

Running, I will run and let my feet fall where they may, but I must not slow, I have to keep this pace or I will drop.

Running, I do not know if I am running to or running from, but running all the same, I must run.

Lord, please give me hope to continue on to where I am going, please give me strength to keep my eyes on the goal, so that the prize which is waiting down this path will be mine. Lord, help my feet to keep going, never slowing, send Your angels to keep my feet true.

…don’t let the Darkness end my path…

--Christopher Welker
6.23.04

Why is it?

Why is it when I see her my heart smiles, and cries.

Why is it when I am near her I feel like a fool for how I feel.

Why is it when I see her I the happiest and yet the saddest.

Why is it when I hug her I feel so safe and at the same to so hurt.

When I am with her my confusion become confused.

Why is it that I would take the pain, with no second though, so i can be in her presence.

-Christopher Welker
6.17.04

Or Will It

Darkness, coldness… emptiness

pain, solitude… loneliness

weakness, defeat … sorrow

I can still see it coming it is coming to consume me, its coldness will surround me, the emptiness envelope me destroying me.

Or will it.

Or will it.

Or will I stand to it will I be stronger.

Part of me screams, bring it on!

Part of me just screams in horror of what I will become when it release its grip from my innermost being, when it lets my soul in to light again.

Or will it

Or will it

Or will it be stronger and consume my soul,

I want to run from it, I want to run to what I know, I am tried of seeing this oncoming Darkness coming to take me.

I am tired.

Tired of the unkown, of being alone with people all around surrounding me. Tired of waiting for it to take me, or pass me and leave me.

Why wont it leave me

Just leave me alone…

I don’t want to be alone anymore,

I want to be held, I want to feel compassion, to feel comfort, to feel like I belong and am where I should be.

I want to cry, but no on a shoulder, I want to curl up in someone’s arms and just let it all out. The floor is cold and makes me feel more alone then when I begin.

I want to be loved, why cant I feel love by other means, why am I so physical.

This Darkness will come for me, and it will ravage my existence.

Or will it

Or will it

Or will it leave me a better person, baptized by fire and made new like the phoenix.

Or will it

…or will it…

--Christopher Welker
6.15.04

Sweet Embrace

I want to know what its like to feel your arms around me, and mine around you.
I want to feel your heartbeat next to me.
I want to feel the warmth of your body and have the knowledge that you are close
I want to be in your arms for hours and talk about nothing, and anything.
I would hold you close to me and never let you go, if given the chance.

There is power in an embrace,
Which I have forgotten.

And I want to know it again.

-Christopher Welker
2/8/1999

There's Something Inside Me

There’s something inside me
I want to let it out

There’s something inside me
I can’t figured it out

There’s something inside me
It screams to get out.

There’s something inside me

I want to scream, I want to be free of it I want it to go away and never return. Why won’t it let me have control of my own emotions? I can’t see it but I can feel it, I can’t bring to the surface to kill it, but it will kill me if I don’t deal with it.

Let it out, get it out, I don’t want it to be there any more. I want to be free from its grasp, I want its icy cold claws of despair and doubt, Darkness to release my soul from the deepest darkest Hell it has it held it.

Go away from me, let me alone. Give my soul back let me be who I need to be, let me find who it is I need to be.

Release me and never come back.

Why won’t you let me go, why can’t I be who I want to be who it is I am to become. Why must I wonder what my purpose is in this life? Why is the only reason I go on because I neither have a good enough reason, nor the courage to end it?

Let me go.

-Christopher Welker