Here I Lie With Fear.

Here I lie with the fear and Darkness washing over me.

The wave has not hit, but still the pre-wave of the Darkness washes over me.

I get up and continue down my path, feet falling one after another not looking where I am going, not looking where I have been, just going on.

What will I face as I trod this road, I do not feel that Frost was right when he say two roads diverge, I think that we just trod down the road, while we make choices that effect how the road will twist and turn, I do not see forks, just a single path.

I run, faster with each step, farther away from the on coming Darkness, yet the faster I go, the further I get, the closer it comes,

Will it over take me, will it be the end of this path I am on, or will it only help wash out what is past and make it easier to continue on towards the future.

Running, I will run and let my feet fall where they may, but I must not slow, I have to keep this pace or I will drop.

Running, I do not know if I am running to or running from, but running all the same, I must run.

Lord, please give me hope to continue on to where I am going, please give me strength to keep my eyes on the goal, so that the prize which is waiting down this path will be mine. Lord, help my feet to keep going, never slowing, send Your angels to keep my feet true.

…don’t let the Darkness end my path…

--Christopher Welker
6.23.04

Why is it?

Why is it when I see her my heart smiles, and cries.

Why is it when I am near her I feel like a fool for how I feel.

Why is it when I see her I the happiest and yet the saddest.

Why is it when I hug her I feel so safe and at the same to so hurt.

When I am with her my confusion become confused.

Why is it that I would take the pain, with no second though, so i can be in her presence.

-Christopher Welker
6.17.04

Or Will It

Darkness, coldness… emptiness

pain, solitude… loneliness

weakness, defeat … sorrow

I can still see it coming it is coming to consume me, its coldness will surround me, the emptiness envelope me destroying me.

Or will it.

Or will it.

Or will I stand to it will I be stronger.

Part of me screams, bring it on!

Part of me just screams in horror of what I will become when it release its grip from my innermost being, when it lets my soul in to light again.

Or will it

Or will it

Or will it be stronger and consume my soul,

I want to run from it, I want to run to what I know, I am tried of seeing this oncoming Darkness coming to take me.

I am tired.

Tired of the unkown, of being alone with people all around surrounding me. Tired of waiting for it to take me, or pass me and leave me.

Why wont it leave me

Just leave me alone…

I don’t want to be alone anymore,

I want to be held, I want to feel compassion, to feel comfort, to feel like I belong and am where I should be.

I want to cry, but no on a shoulder, I want to curl up in someone’s arms and just let it all out. The floor is cold and makes me feel more alone then when I begin.

I want to be loved, why cant I feel love by other means, why am I so physical.

This Darkness will come for me, and it will ravage my existence.

Or will it

Or will it

Or will it leave me a better person, baptized by fire and made new like the phoenix.

Or will it

…or will it…

--Christopher Welker
6.15.04

Sweet Embrace

I want to know what its like to feel your arms around me, and mine around you.
I want to feel your heartbeat next to me.
I want to feel the warmth of your body and have the knowledge that you are close
I want to be in your arms for hours and talk about nothing, and anything.
I would hold you close to me and never let you go, if given the chance.

There is power in an embrace,
Which I have forgotten.

And I want to know it again.

-Christopher Welker
2/8/1999

There's Something Inside Me

There’s something inside me
I want to let it out

There’s something inside me
I can’t figured it out

There’s something inside me
It screams to get out.

There’s something inside me

I want to scream, I want to be free of it I want it to go away and never return. Why won’t it let me have control of my own emotions? I can’t see it but I can feel it, I can’t bring to the surface to kill it, but it will kill me if I don’t deal with it.

Let it out, get it out, I don’t want it to be there any more. I want to be free from its grasp, I want its icy cold claws of despair and doubt, Darkness to release my soul from the deepest darkest Hell it has it held it.

Go away from me, let me alone. Give my soul back let me be who I need to be, let me find who it is I need to be.

Release me and never come back.

Why won’t you let me go, why can’t I be who I want to be who it is I am to become. Why must I wonder what my purpose is in this life? Why is the only reason I go on because I neither have a good enough reason, nor the courage to end it?

Let me go.

-Christopher Welker

Rant 06.03.04

Why do I do it, why do I put my self in situations that I know I will hurt myself with. Why do I let myself get so wrapped up into something knowing that I will not recive anything in return.

I do it because I love. Because I love what I am doing or what I am dealing with. Sometimes I do recive, maybe not what most would say is a return, but I recive reations and responses that make me know what I am doing is worthwhile.

I do it because I don’t require anything in return. I just need a hug or a friend or the see how people are touched by what I do, as long as I am doing it with all that I am I will always see a response.

Sometimes I get selfish and think about myself, when in fact I tend not to do things for me or based on what I need, but I get selfish and no longer think about others or what they are needing.

I do things with my whole being and sometimes I am left empty. I wish that I did not require anything just to keep going and give to my friends, give them that which they need.

Pain

Pain,
All I feel is pain
Pain,
All I see is pain

Pain,
Why can’t I feel anything
Pain,
Why can’t I see anything

Pain,
I don’t know what I feel anymore
Pain,
I don’t know what I see anymore

Why is there all this pain in my life, why is it all I want to do is cry. Why can’t I feel happy, what is making me feel so much pain.

Why.

-Christopher Welker

What I Wouldn't Give

What I wouldn’t give to be some place other then this.
A grassy plain
A waterfront
A deep forest
Even a battlefield besides a comrade

What I wouldn’t give to be in the arms of someone who cares about me,
Whom I care for
Who has a desire to be with me
Whom I can let my walls down to,
Even though there may be pain in our lives

What I wouldn’t give to be completely free.
Form pain
From sorrow
From infirmities
From all the Demons and Darkness that surrounds me.

What I wouldn’t give to be someone different
That is smarter
That is stronger
That is less messed up
That is something I may never be.


What I wouldn’t give to be in a different situation, oh God MY God, why am I this way. Where did I miss a turn.

Where are you leading me, am I going to still be the man you showed me, or have the plans again changed. Lord, my King, I feel like you are leading me down a new path, but I feel that some of the path will remain the same.

God, grant me wisdom.


-Christopher Welker